


WE ARE ALL JUST TRYING TO BE HOLY

by fishingrods



Category: Gintama
Genre: Character Study, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, They are in love your honour, based on snow and dirty rain by richard siken, headcanon on sakamoto's past, hurt is barely there tho dw, lots of metaphor, they live in a house. together. all by themselves., yearning (?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:33:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28237008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishingrods/pseuds/fishingrods
Summary: A desperate attempt of catching happiness with fishing rod. They're getting there.
Relationships: Sakamoto Tatsuma/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	WE ARE ALL JUST TRYING TO BE HOLY

**Author's Note:**

> title is based on a line from snow and dirty rain by richard siken

Living on Earth is nothing like space. Space is so beautiful, with stardust and galaxies floating in the endless darkness that makes you believe you are all alone, being surrounded by nothing but the beautiful creation that has existed since the big bang happened. He wonders how is it that beautiful things are created from a big explosion, when explosion clearly equals destruction and destruction is the opposite of creation.

The world is filled with things that no one knows. The knowledge of the universe that they all currently hold is nothing but a drop of rain that hits the rooftop of what once was called his home that he can never go back to. The super small scar at the ankle of his lover, created from a small misstep while he was climbing a tree, trying to hide from a group of soldiers while he was just a child. The 0.000000001 percent of the substance that the entire ocean holds.

(That’s not entirely true. Sakamoto is aware of it. It’s something smaller than that. The entire universe is so, so big and no amount of generations can ever be enough for them to discover the secrets it holds.)

Still, he doesn’t mind. The unknown is what has kept him alive through years, decades. One would think it’s awful that the secrets that the world holds is something that can never be fully discovered, but that’s the beauty of this universe that knows no end of the horizon. 

  
  
  
  


In all the beauty and value he sees in the space, he craves something - someone else. Someone who is so close from his grasp, yet so far that he still finds himself resting his gaze on the man as if he is the big, fiery ball called sun that holds all the gloryness that the whole universe holds. And he knows that the man is just, indeed a man. Nothing more, nothing else.

Still, heart knows no bounds, doesn’t it?

  
  
  
  
  


Sakamoto points at a constellation in the sky and loudly claims, “That’s Ursa Major and Ursa Minor.”

Gintoki tilts his head and lets out a small hum. “Is it the two constellations that are together?” Sakamoto laughs and replies, “That’s right. They’re also known as the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper. You know which one is which, right?”

The grey haired man scoffs, folding both of his arms as he snarkily says, “ Of course I do. Do you think I’m that dumb?”

“I wasn’t insulting you, I swear with all of the healthy hair roots on my head!” Sakamoto scratches his head and continues laughing.

“Hey, what about that one?”

“That’s Polaris. Ahaha didn’t I tell you that already before?”

Gintoki playfully hits his left arm and glares at Sakamoto harder once a loud string of laughter comes out of his mouth.

It’s cold in their house; possibly because their heater broke and yet they still open the window and let the air in. Sakamoto intertwines his hand with Gintoki’s, and he feels a certain indescribable warmth spreading inside him when he feels Gintoki grips his hand tighter.

“Hold me close, it’s getting cold.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s never peaceful wherever Sakamoto goes. Maybe it comes with a price of being an avid space fan. To be fascinated with the unknown is to be the unknown itself. He seeks the thrill of meeting new people and amanto, the unknown possibilities that the huge universe can possibly brighten or darken his future - it makes him break out loud laughter wherever he goes.

It’s never peaceful wherever Sakamoto goes. Not the space, not even the Earth. The earth, which has his parents buried in the backyard of the place that not even he remembers anymore. The earth, which never fails to make him feel like a flightless bird, shackled by the past that no one knows of - no one. Isn’t it horrifying?

The small, helpless him that he used to be - unloved and unperceived of. No one will ever hear Sakamoto's tales that are nothing like the fairy tales his maid used to tell him before his bedtimes while he was still just a child who thought the universe is but a myth and his entire world is rested upon his footsteps; not too far and not too close.

Gintoki had killed his dad and buried him in the middle of a field. Except he never referred to him as dad. Sakamoto puts a spoonful of cake inside his mouth as he listens to Gintoki’s tales that are often too cryptic to be perceived. But it’s still his tale. No matter how short and insignificant Gintoki makes it out to be, Sakamoto listens to it as if it is the only story available in the entire universe.

  
  
  
  


Sakamoto opens his eyes and finds himself on earth. Hand wrapped in another hand that’s not attached onto his body. A hand that belongs to the person he trusts his own life to. He looks beside him and sees the sleeping face of Gintoki, all too peaceful and quiet it doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel deserving for their sinful self.

But here they are.

Here they are, in their own small house. His coat, hanging on the coat rack, beside the white door that is the exit of their personal paradise. Gintoki’s boots, sloppily left behind just around the living room instead of being arranged in the red, wooden shoe rack that has intricate carving of dragons on it, which they bought together because they are just fools.

  
  


Gintoki wakes up and walks out of the bedroom, only to see smoke coming from the kitchen. “Tatsuma, what the hell are you doing?” 

“Gah! Ahahaha why are you awake at the worst time?” Says Sakamoto, who is pouring buckets of water on the microwave that looks like it just exploded from the hands of an amateur. Maybe Gintoki should consider making him not wake up at all.

Gintoki yawns, unbothered by the chaos. “What happened this time?” Gintoki walks into the kitchen and sighs when he sees that Sakamoto had put in a metal bowl inside the microwave. That fool.

  
  


Gintoki decides to make a simple ramen. They eat it while sitting beside the open window, which shows a garden, which is a tenderness, which is a garden they do not own. **_Do you want to go to the moon? Touch the stars and stick your feet inside the milky way? Your hand in mine as I tell you not to let go and you never do?_ **

A cat jumps out of the window and trashes around the flowerbed. Except they don’t own any cat. Except they’ve closed the window and walked away from it. **_  
  
_**

  
  
  
  
  


Gintoki sleeps. Gintoki sleeps until he dreams of drenching in blood and sweat as he holds a sword in his hand and no longer recognises which blood is and isn’t his. He sleeps until he wakes up and sees the face of his lover, looking as if he’s going to lose him. Sakamoto whispers slowly, as though Gintoki will disappear if he doesn’t. “Are you okay?”

They never talk about it. Sakamoto buys a strawberry cake and they eat it together like they’re celebrating something until Gintoki opens his mouth, not to put the sliced cake in his mouth, but to ask a question Sakamoto never would’ve thought he would.

The snow falls, and Sakamoto places his cheek on the window to feel the cold attacking his skin. “Merry Christmas, Kintoki.”

He finds comfort by lying his head in Sakamoto’s shoulder blade and chuckles lightly. “It’s not Christmas yet, dumbass.”

Sakamoto ignores the retort and merely states, “If you can’t forgive yourself, then I’ll forgive you until you do and even then, I won’t stop. I’ll forgive you over and over again, until the next Christmas. And then the next next Christmas. I’ll shoulder your pain as you do for others.”

Gintoki feels like his breath is stuck inside his lungs. His eyes meet Sakamoto’s and he looks so soft, so bright, it hurts him. To think that Sakamoto is a mortal just as he is feels like an insult towards his existence.

“Will you let me help you?”

He pulls Sakamoto into his arms and plants a light kiss on his lips. And then some more. He doesn’t want to let him go, not like this. But he does and whispers, “You’re already doing it, though.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Sakamoto never got to take Gintoki to space with him. He never got to fish a star with his old fishing rod and bring it back to the earth, barging in Gintoki's house as he laughed loudly and claimed, "Look, Kintoki! I've brought back the stars I promised!". whenever he comes back, all he does is bring more trouble to the man. it was never intentional, he swore in the name of his entire company.

Gintoki never asked about it though. He knows it. He knows the kind of man Sakamoto is and the good and bad he brings wherever he goes, whether it be to some unknown planet far, far away from their home planet or back to the place they once met. He knows, and he accepts it. Sakamoto knows it all too well despite how annoyed Gintoki always appeared to be.

Gintoki is the kind of man who screams at you for trying to catch a fish at 2 am, telling you how dumb it is but in the end he'll always follow you. Whether it be a minute or an hour later. He cares too much, it brings an indescribable feeling of something twisting inside his stomach. ‘Oh, crap. Am I about to vomit?’ he knows it's not and somehow that's worse because that means there is no way for him to get rid of this feeling.

So he laughs. He laughs until Gintoki glares at him the way he always did and says, "stop laughing so loud! You're disturbing the neighbours!" and Sakamoto will say "sorry, Kintoki." before laughing loudly again a few seconds later over something dumb. Gintoki will complain again, but Sakamoto sees the small smile he makes when he thinks Sakamoto isn't looking.

He never got to do the things he promised to himself, to Gintoki that he would. But it's all good. He can try to do it again and again. Doesn’t matter whether a decade later will pass by or when their backs finally give up on them, their hair turning white with dead roots decreasing the population of their hair and the world shifts its time again, forming something new every second. They have time. Gintoki isn't going anywhere and neither is he.

**Author's Note:**

> UHHHHH yeah this is whack. yeah it's rushed. terribly sorry for wasting your time. I just feel so unmotivated these past few months (mental health problems) and this thing is sitting in my gdoc, waiting for me to refine it. I did. Could've done better tho. my takagin fic is better imo so uh check it out if you want.
> 
> fun fact : my username is inspired by the part where sakamoto tells gintoki he'll catch a star with fishing rod (idk the ep)
> 
> i know its not christmas yet but merry christmas :] this year sucks and next year will suck more but we're getting there. yes we are.
> 
> twt : dazaified / tumblr : fishing-rods


End file.
